On healthy teams, dialogue can be robust and transparent. When there is trust, communication can be open and honest. Getting to solid decisions can happen much faster on teams that trust one another. When there isn’t trust, even routine decisions take insane amounts of time as people waste time building alliances with pre- and post-meetings with smaller groups of people. In the midst of robust dialogue, even great leaders and great team members can use phrases that betray them, phrases that show them to be guilty of the exact thing they are attempting to absolve themselves of.
You will likely recognize these statements and have probably cringed when you heard them. Here are three “but” statements that make you look like a butt:
1. I am not being defensive, but…
Whenever we say this, we always come off defensive. Every single time. This is not hyperbole. Every time someone says, “I am not being defensive…” they come off as being defensive. If you are going to be defensive, it is best not to announce it in a way that simultaneously makes you look like you don’t realize you are being defensive. If you are going to be defensive, just embrace your defensiveness. Don’t try and cover it up.
2. I am not making excuses, but…
Whenever someone says, “I am not making excuses, but…” prepare your heart for a list of excuses. Someone who does not make excuses does not spend lots of time setting the context, as “setting context” can easily degenerate into making excuses. And someone who takes ownership does not shift blame to others. If you are going to make excuses, just admit your excuse-making. “I am making excuses because I don’t think this is my responsibility” is way better than “I accept responsibility, but here are my excuses…” Don’t say you are taking responsibility while simultaneously offering excuses.
3. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but…
Whenever someone says, “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but…” prepare yourself for a statement that is designed to hurt your feelings. The announcement of the statement is almost as painful as the statement that follows. If someone scores a basket on you in a game, that is just part of the game. However, if someone says to you before they shoot the basket, “I am going to do a cross over and then drill this in your face,” the basket is much more painful. If you are going to deliver a tough statement to someone in a meeting, just say it as kindly and graciously as possible. No need to announce the punch in the face before you deliver the blow.
