The cliché “love at first sight” emphasizes, well, sight. External beauty. This cliché can hurt those who are single and those who are married, encouraging a single person to prioritize how someone looks and minimizing the more important foundations of a relationship for those who are married.
Lots of people have encouraged creating “the list” of what to look for in a spouse, and told people to eliminate those who don’t match the list. I am not against “the list,” but I’m concerned there are qualities that make the list that should not, and qualities that should make the list that don’t. Beauty is fleeting. So, for that to be the top of the list is insane. A guy’s height or hairline should not be on the list. They have no impact on whether he will be a good dad, change diapers in the middle of the night, or be with you when you are sick. A woman’s body type or hair color should not be on the list for you. There is no relationship between those and how she supports you through the ups and downs of your career and life.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the LORD will be praised.
(Proverbs 31:30)
We have seen the truth of this verse in our lives. Charm can lie to you. Someone can play a part and act as someone they are not. Beauty is fleeting and does not last. Even the definitions of external beauty don’t last and are always shifting in a culture. Both charm and beauty are very poor and shaky foundations for a relationship—foundations of sand that are unable to withstand the storms of life. But fear for the Lord, awe for Him, can grow. Fear for the Lord is a solid foundation for life and for a relationship.
What should be on the list if you are looking? And if you are married, what should be the foundation for your marriage to grow? You don’t want a marriage built on sand. Proverbs 31 is often described as a chapter about a godly woman. The characteristics of the woman in this chapter are inspiring, and she is indeed worthy of honor. Although the idea of “the Proverbs 31 woman” is what trends on social media, the man is also described in the chapter. We see both of their characters on display, and we learn that while beauty always fades, by God’s grace, character can grow. Character does not always grow, but it can—which means the foundation of your relationship can become stronger.
For those who are single and looking for a relationship, here is a list to consider!
Character among others.
The man and the woman in Proverbs 31 did not view each other as disposable, because they were people of character. The man is known at the city gates, where the leaders of a community would sit. The woman is described as having noble character. Among others, they are known as people of integrity. Instead of looking for the person you think looks the best, what if you looked for the person who was most passionate about God? Beauty will fade, but passion for God can grow.
Compassion for others.
Proverbs 31 begins with the man pronouncing his mom taught him to speak up for those who have no voice. The woman, too, “extends her hands to the needy.” They had an incredible partnership because their marriage was not self-consumed but committed to serving others. Compassion can grow. Beauty is fleeting.
Wisdom from above.
The man was taught wisdom from his mother, and the woman’s wisdom was on display. We know from the Proverbs that wisdom comes from fearing God. Not only is beauty fleeting, but beauty attached to a lack of wisdom is like a ring attached to a pig’s snout (Proverbs 11:22). You don’t want a relationship with someone who looks good but is a fool.
Hardworking within.
The man sits among the elders at the city gate, which means he is known for what he has accomplished in life. He has not been lazy. He has been wise and productive. And the woman is strong and hardworking. They both have internal drive. Laziness in one part of life tends to spill over to other parts of life. If they are lazy in their career, they may be lazy in pursuing you. If they are lazy in their faith, they won’t be filled with wisdom. I am not advocating you look for a workaholic, but for someone who sees life and a job and a relationship as gifts and wants to work to make the most of them.
